I smiled

I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her so much. She helped me. She thought she could fix me. Fix my badness. I love her for it. I love her so much. I love her too much.

I was born in a family. They were evil. They were bad, but I am good. I was born nice. I was nice. I was very nice. I am nice. I am still very very nice. I can't help it though. I can't help that I love it. I can't help that I smile.  I can't help that I was happy. I just… was. I hid my smile. It was sad. It was so so sad. But I still had to hide my smile. My family is dead. I killed no one. They did. My family is gone. Away from home. Taken away. I was too. She saved me. She should not have, but she did. My family is evil. They were too evil. I thought I was nice. I thought I was good. She thought I was nice. She thought so too. But I still smiled.

I hid it from her. I was improving. I would not be evil. Not like them. But I once opened up a cat. It was a grey cat. I wanted to feel its death. It was slimy, sticky, wet. It was not pleasant, but I smiled. She saw me. I cried. She didn't want death. I was unclean. But I didn't feel unclean. I felt normal. I feel normal. I washed the red from my hands. To please her. She said it was okay. She said she forgave me. I knew she hadn't. She was not the same. I wanted to change. I don't want pain. But I still smile at it. I am evil. She knows it. I am like my family. I can't escape. I was born… born cursed.

She wants to change me. I want her to. I am good for her. I am nice. I am nice like I was. I do not open cats. She is happy. I am happy. I could be happier. I don't smile. Not at what she smiles at. I should. But I can't. I am trying. I am trying. I am trying…. I am dying. I am trapped. I love her. I smile at her. She smiles back. But her eyes still shift. I need to die. I need to kill my badness. I need to kill me. I want life. I love her. I am selfish then. I should die. For her. I can't. I don't want to die. No one does.

I lost control. I needed to smile. I wanted to smile. I stole the dog. It was old. It was thin. I stabbed it. I stabbed it. I stabbed it. I stabbed it. It screamed. It was horrid. It convulsed. It writhed. It bled. I stabbed it. It was so so bad. It made me cry. It was not good. But I smiled. I watched. And I smiled. She saw. She screamed. I did not want her to see. But she saw.

I came to her. She ran. No! I need her! She can't go. I ran. I caught her. She was crying. She struggled. She screamed. No! I am not bad! I am not bad! I said. I am good I am nice! I showed her. I kissed her. She was quiet. I kissed her again. I smiled. She did not. I laid her down. She resisted. But I held her. I hurt her. I loved her. I loved her. I wanted to show her. Show her my love. I smiled. She did not. She wept. Why? Why? Why could she not see? I love you! I love you! I hurt her. She couldn't see. She would never see.

I stabbed her. I stabbed her. I stabbed her. She shrieked. I stabbed her. She moaned. She bled. It was terrible. It made me scream. I cried. It was unclean. It was bad. I kissed her. I held her. She jerked. She shook. It was very bad. No! Understand me! Understand me! I love you! I love you! I love you! I loved her. I lay by her. She was there. But she didn't move. She was quiet. She was still.

And I smiled.